It is the end of an era – nearly two decades – for us, as pet owners, as we said goodbye to our boy cat, Dex, on Monday. He would have been nineteen on Friday, although he could have been older (or younger) than that since his birthday was a guess. Both of our cats were such a big part of our lives… the house feels too quiet without my sweet boy as I sit here typing. This is my way of honouring Dexter/Dex/Dexie-doodle/Bud/Dex-Dex.
Here are five important life lessons that he taught me in our eighteen years together.
1. You don’t always get what you want… but what you thought you wanted may not always be what you needed.
When I decided to bring home another cat, almost two years after I’d adopted our first, I was SET on it being another black and white kitty. This time, I went to the Humane Society, which was a lengthy street car ride there and back. I think I had seen online that there were a few black and white cats up for adoption, but when I got there I wasn’t feeling their vibes. One was a bit older than I was hoping for and had some possible health issues, the other I don’t remember but was just not what I was looking for. I did another round of looking through all the other cats and wasn’t sure about any, but then happened to spy Dex, formally named Sol. Not black and white, but grey and white, he looked like a calm and quiet cat. So I picked him.
Of course, being caged up means you’re probably not your most comfortable, natural self. On the forty minute streetcar ride home he meowed pretty much the whole way. I wondered if I had made the best decision. After getting back to our apartment and letting him out to meet Suki, I again wondered if I had made the best choice. Suki was not at all pleased, but at the time, I didn’t realize that most cats prefer solitude.
Different than our girl kitty, he was obviously younger and a little rowdier. He was louder and not as graceful, maybe akin to a country cat, not city one. But he was also friendlier and more easygoing, though a bit of a scaredy cat at first. He was more of a snuggler and he became my bud-bud over the years. Almost eighteen years with him taught me that he was most certainly what I needed. I am so glad I brought him home!
2. Trust that You will Find Your Way (Home).
Five and a half years after Dex came into our lives, he tried to make a run for it. It was 2011, a week before Christmas and winter was in full effect. Our cats had always been indoor cats so I was kind of beside myself. Most cats apparently have a homing instinct, but I didn’t know if Dex could find his way home.
I tried to chase after him but he was too fast and disappeared to God only knows where. For the next six days, we searched for him everyday, put up posters, asked neighbours if they’d seen or heard anything. Whitney was less than two years old at the time so has no memory of this taking place, plus it was almost Christmas and we didn’t want to ruin the holiday for her.
We had the very good fortune of a lovely neighbour emailing us and suggesting the use of a humane trap to get him back. Their own cat had gone missing on one of the coldest winter days one year and made it back home thanks to their use of one. We’d set out food on our porch and also set up a webcam to see if Dex was coming onto our porch. We spied other cats and Toronto’s finest, raccoons… AND DEX! He had indeed been able to find his way back.
On Christmas Eve, we were able to source a humane trap. Then, we got our very own Christmas miracle when we woke and found Dex in the trap. He hissed at me when he first saw me, but was soon snuggling with me inside our warm house, under a blanket for a long while. He never tried to venture outside on his own again, at least not in Toronto, or in the winter.
BUT the lesson here is that you need to trust in yourself and your knowledge because you probably know more than you think.
3. How to Love Another.
If you have never been a pet owner, you are missing out on one of life’s great joys! Becoming responsible for another’s life can be a little daunting but it can also be so rewarding! Animals love unconditionally and to feel that love from them is amazing! Ever since I was a little girl, I always gravitated towards animals. Back then, it was dogs, but as an adult I came to love cats. As someone who doesn’t always know what to say, I never felt judged by our kitties when in their company. I could just sit and be silent with them and that was okay. Or if I felt like talking to them, I could also do that and be as silly as I wanted. Dex would often meow back a reply and his gaze would melt my heart.
Sure, you could argue, it’s not the same as being with another person, but love is love. And isn’t that what life is all about? Loving others. Our kids sure loved him!
4. Communication is essential! If something is bothering you, vocalize it! Let others know when you need something.
Dex was the more vocal of our kitties, with a louder and more incessant meow, that could rouse you from slumber in the middle of the night. But I learned to recognize certain meows and decipher what he was trying to tell me, eventually. Sometimes it seemed like he was meowing just to meow. Like it was too quiet so he needed to hear the sound of his voice. But usually his meows meant he was trying to tell me something: like he was either hungry, about to have a bowel movement or about to vomit.
Or that he was in pain.
That one became more apparent in the last few years. Suki would let out these low guttural meows too before she would vomit. As a cat owner, it’s important to listen to what your cat is trying to tell you. They don’t speak the same language – although sometimes it seemed like Dex was saying “hello” to us – so you have to learn to be a great listener!
And in any relationship, you have to learn to share your thoughts, even if it’s hard. Don’t let things fester! Matt has experienced the result of my own festerings over the years, but I’ve gotten better… maybe a bit too good at letting my feelings be known.
5. How to be a Loyal Companion.
Although the common belief is that dogs are more loyal than cats, that is all dependent on (how you treat) your cat. Our cats became part of our tribe before we decided to start a human family and they stuck by us through thick and thin, countless moves, renovations, trips away without them. In the morning, they’d be our alarm clocks and let us know it was time to get up. For years, after our kids were in bed, like clockwork, either one or both of our cats would find their way onto my lap so we could be couch potatoes together. After our girl cat, Suki, passed away, Dex became a constant bedmate, sleeping right next to me almost every night. When he wasn’t beside me, I knew things were “off”.
That first happened last December when we discovered a tooth abscess. His prognosis without dental surgery was not great, so we went ahead with surgery. I knew our time together was still limited but hoped he would make it till Spring so he could enjoy the spoils of our backyard again. No longer as spry as he once was, I could trust that he wouldn’t try to jump the fence or take off. He was content to just take in all the smells and chomp on grass once the kids were at school and I could sip my morning coffee outside with him. In his final days though, he was not interested in chewing the grass at all, so that was a sign that he was ready to go.
When he finally “went to sleep” it was a peaceful exit, so our vet told us it was good timing. Had we chosen to wait longer, his body would probably have reacted differently, with more twitching and signs of discomfort. We hope that wherever Dex is, he has been reunited with Suki and they are enjoying bird watching, Greenies and belly rubs, though he preferred chin scratches.
