Our middle child, Blythe, has asked me on several occasions, “Mom, what are your top two fears?” I may have told her jokingly, that I had none, on one occasion. But really, if I had to choose Number two would be public speaking. Seriously, I do not enjoy having all eyes and ears on me in a room full of people. What if I say something dumb? What if I forget what to say? What if no one cares to listen?
Number one would be the death of or something bad happening to a loved one, particularly one of my children. As a parent, you realize that life is no longer all about you. There is someone else that you are not only responsible for, but that depends on you and that you want to protect.
Usually the question stems from her getting triggered after watching something scary and consequently not wanting to sleep alone. For Blythe, one of her biggest fears is the dark. And when I was her age, that was probably one of them.
Going down to our basement in Edmonton was something I would avoid like the plague, if I could. It was one of those unfinished basements like you see in the movies, where there’s a lowly bulb coming down from the ceiling, but you could only turn it on when you got down to the basement. At least that’s how I remember it. But when you’re under ten, everything seems a little scarier than it probably is.
Apparently we are only born with two innate fears – the fear of falling and fear of loud sounds. Everything else is learned, from other people, our environment and experiences. So if we are able to learn how to be fearful, it stands to reason that we can also learn how to be unfearful! When your fear stops you from doing certain things, that’s when it becomes a problem.
So how do you overcome them? By facing them. Exposing ourselves to them and learning to tolerate them. As long as nothing bad happens to us in doing so.
Blythe also asked me when I got over my fear of the dark. Honestly, I don’t know the exact date and age but somehow I got over it. The basement in my parents’ Saskatoon home was not much friendlier than the one in Edmonton so it was either learn to be brave and face my fear of the dark or just never venture down there.
Up until this past year, Blythe had not been the best sleeper. When she was a toddler, I would have to lie with her until she fell asleep, then carefully try to make my exit. If I tried to leave too soon before she was in a deep sleep, she would wake at the smallest sound or movement, which in a hundred year old home with extremely creaky floors was amplified to the max. So I’d have to lie back down with her and start the cycle again. Not the best way to teach a child how to fall asleep but that’s another post for the future.
Between the ages of three and ten, Blythe shared a room with one or both of her siblings, so she was not as frightened about sleeping at night. I’d often still have to snuggle with her and her brother but at least she was not alone after I left their room. I know that she would lie awake at times, her mind racing, thinking scary thoughts.
Once we moved to Saskatoon, she was actually looking forward to having her own room. I wondered if she would be able to sleep on her own. We bought her a new bed, a loft style with a desk attached and she was pumped about getting to sleep in it. I think she managed fine on the first night, while her brother did not. So he may have ended up sleeping underneath her bed that night and every now and then still does. Depending on each day’s events, by the time bedtime rolls around, Blythe can often psyche herself out and decide that she is too scared to sleep solo. And depending on her mood, she will either let her brother sleep underneath her bed, in her bed or not at all.
To encourage both of them to sleep in their own rooms and so it wasn’t completely dark, we bought each of them this projector. Brighton’s has since stopped working but Blythe’s is going strong and she will have it on most nights. Now I can give her a few hugs and kisses, say good night and know that she will eventually get to sleep on her own.
Blythe’s other biggest fear happens to be public speaking as well. But she has made terrific gains in the past few years! At one point, she would not speak to anyone besides her sister when they were at school and only speak to me after I was there to pick her up at the end of the day. That was in kindergarten. She communicated with only gestures, a nod or shake of her head to answer the teacher or classmates.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… my mom said that when I was younger the teachers asked whether or not I understood English because I wouldn’t make a peep at school.
It was only last year, in grade four, that she spoke at her own volition in front of the whole class. It helped that she had a wonderful teacher who did not pressure her to speak but supported her timeline. I think also that she was motivated to do better on her report card.
Both Matt and I are just happy that she no longer seems to dread going to school. Some days it was simply hard for us to get out the door. Now she will often walk ahead of me and her brother in the morning and walk back home on her own after school. She has a small group of friends and has become more comfortable doing presentations in front of her class. Her word of the year happens to be Brave and she is doing a pretty good job at being that.
I’m curious, have your fears changed since you were younger? What are YOUR top two?
Hi Blythie and Cathy, I had fears too when I was little. One of them resulted from too much (compulsive?) reading of scary comic books which were very popular when I was growing up (in the fifties). I would always check under the bed and in the closet every night for skeletons, yes!skeletons!!
I honestly cannot remember much of the forties (ages 1 to 8 for me). Oh, I do remember being very afraid of getting into someone else’s car, because my mother taught me to NEVER GET IN ANYONE ELSE’S CAR!!! You see, we did live in the country (very few houses then) and there was quite a lot of walking to get to where the school bus stopped, and I had to walk on my own or with my two year’s younger brother.
I never really was afraid of speaking in class, but I was not comfortable with it either.
I am glad you are feeling BRAVE now Blythie!! Great for you, I am so proud of you darling, whatever you do. You are
wonderful and you will grow braver! Love, Nanny